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tw: suicide
i embarrass myself whenever i say anything
i'm gonna OD again tomorrow but i know it won't kill me. i want to destroy my body over time
things are getting worse and i don't have anywhere else to talk about this so i'm putting it here.
i'm sick of myself. i can't see the point in doing anything. making art is such a struggle for me now. it feels pointless to pursue it unless i can profit from it and i can't see that happening anytime soon. it's so hard for me to enjoy things. flashes of happiness flicker away in minutes. i just rot in my room. i'm stubborn and never try to make anything better because i don't care. i don't know how to do the most basic things. i'm so angry and scared all the time. i feel like i'm becoming more hateful and bitter and it's scaring me. i'm reaching a breaking point.
i can only help myself. things won't get better until i do. i hate this.
mood: good but mad it's so hot
listening to: my ceiling fan
i didn't expect to be gone so long. i wanted to do these entries daily or almost-daily. OOPS.
they've gotten kinda tiring to do. nothing interesting goes on in my life so it always feels like i'm grasping for stuff to talk about.
well, some stuff has happened since my last entry. i drew some things!
i think that's my favorite drawing of her so far. she actually looks "right" now. i feel bad for hurting her but she's my character so it was inevitable. i (think i) finally settled on her base colors (the lines are fucked up because i didn't adjust the paint bucket settings). thinking about giving her spots and patterns like a harpy eagle.
i put some art on my art page too. i drew some other stuff but i don't really want to post everything here. the rest is on twitter.
i started using pinterest and i'm addicted to it. the stolen unsourced art makes me want to break things but apart from that it's good. really useful for keeping all your inspos in one place. it helps me not lose track of what i need to practice in my art. also, it has good memes.
my birthday happened. i got to play jackbox with beef and mabel and i actually couldn't breathe. had to be the hardest i've laughed since last year. legitimately a near death experience. i'd do it all over again in a heartbeat. i love my friends so much!!!! ❤ ❤ ❤
BTW in a past entry i posted a drawing mabel did of me wearing a spork of doom shirt and i speculated it was a zim reference - IT WASN'T
also happy belated birthday karkat homestuck
mood: weirdly annoyed for no apparent reason
listening to: iglooghost - clear tamei
yesterday it hit me that i'm really unhealthily reliant on the numbers my art gets on social media. well, i've always been aware of this, but it's gotten BAD. i noticed because i just posted some stuff to twitter and reddit and i'd check my notifs like every 5 minutes, and i'd wake up in the middle of the night and check my phone the second i opened my eyes. i don't know how to fix this. imo, without my art, i'm just nothing.
i went out to vote with my dad on the 19th. i was so nervous about it for two full days before we went and a few minor nerve-wracking moments happened at the polling place but at least it's over now. it wasn't all that bad.
i want to make some major changes to this site at some point but i almost certainly don't know enough about css to implement these changes. it's frustrating.
today i watched a movie called black christmas (1974). i liked it a lot. it was funny and held my attention (for once). i really wish i could have watched with friends. some parts were genuinely creepy in ways that i don't often encounter in horror media. although, i'm still not familiar with a LOT of horror so far. there are no jumpscares in it, so if you don't like jumpscares i'd recommend it.
... i just checked its page on doesthedogdie and apparently it DOES have jumpscares???? well i don't remember any and i just watched it. idk. there are a couple other entires on its page that i don't remember - well, be sure to check the page if you do decide to watch it.
mood: tired
listening to: proem - rectangle snake
i started writing an entry on the 12th but had to tap out because i've been exhausted lately. super fatigued each day and i don't know why. i mean, my diet is shit so that might be why. a lot of stuff has happened.
yesterday i finally finished something i worked really hard on. right now i'm procrastinating replying to reddit comments about it because they're all so kind and it's making me emotionally overwhelmed. when i finished it, i was actually very upset about it and genuinely needed to cool off. i watched some jerma highlights to help keep my mind off of it. i was disappointed with how it came out. i guess i felt so strongly about it because i was really happy with the lineart and then it all went to shit the moment i started coloring. and i was afraid that would happen.
my friends helped me feel better about the drawing and i'm not so upset about it anymore. i'll add it to my art page.
i have this alternate version with different colors that i haven't shown to anyone yet. i like the colors here a lot more than in the final version, but i feared other people would find it weird looking.
on mother's day, my dad and i went to my mom's grave. i thought i'd be too tired to go but i wasn't. we brought two roses from the bush in our backyard. after that we went to a couple of thrift stores. i bought a book solely because i thought the cover art was cute. it's called the hounds of the morrigan. i'm enjoying it so far. that was a good day.
i've been reading the scary godmother omnibus for a while, and i recently finished a story about harry's mom kicking him out of the house and him fending for himself. i didn't really like it. the "moral" ended up basically being like: "if you're a POS who bums off your parent and you have literally no redeeming qualities, it's actually ok, you deserve to be coddled. your parent LOVES being a servant to your ungrateful ass." it was so weird to me. it made me hate harry.
other random stuff that happened:
in a past entry, i mentioned i was gonna look into combination birth control. well, i found out it's prescription only. so there goes that idea.
my eye has finally finished healing. glad it wasn't anything serious.
i was able to get the groceries i needed and now i have excedrin. i already needed it once and it worked like a charm. awesome!
the release date for mob psycho season 3 was announced and i'm excited for it. the wait will be agonizing though.
that's all for now, i think.
mood: tired
listening to: shya - inlove (AGAIN)
i woke up an hour ago (maybe more) and i'm just waiting for the new kengan chapter to come out. it's 10:09 a.m. now. i don't know why i'm up this early. it's annoying. i wish i could wake up at noon every day. i just heard my dad flush the toilet. im scared now in case he heard me typing. i want him to think im asleep
i cant tell if hes gone yet. i guess i'll just keep typing really quietly
ok i think hes in the shower.
anyway. last night mabel drew my sona and I LOVE IT!!!!! i feel so dumb because i can't tell if the shirt is an invader zim reference or not. i'm the fakest zim fan on earth.
she also made a little comic about inaba making a deal with the person/people who made ram ranch (without urita knowing), and being gifted a shirt from them. then urita looks up what ram ranch is. it's so fucking funny. i died.
it reminded me of how i've been strongly considering trying to do 4komas for the first time. i've drawn a few comics here and there but never 4komas and i don't know why. their simple format probably makes them easier to draw than any other type of comic.
don't really know what else to talk about. i want something to drink. sorta thinking about watching little shop of horrors today. i might come back later with any updates.
oh yeah, i should probably make separate sections of this journal based on the month entries were made, so this single page doesn't get too long and cluttered. i'm tired i'll do it some other time.
mood: kinda good
listening to: new canyons - heavy water (one of my all time faves)
i got back from the dentist. the water got sprayed all over me again but i'm not really angry about it anymore. i tried washing it off.
there's dried blood in my mouth. earlier, i could taste it every couple minutes. idk how to put this, but i'm kinda happy it's there? like, for some reason i kinda like it when i bleed sometimes?? i dunno. sometimes i kinda like it when i get hurt, i guess...?? it's not a masochist thing though i swear.
my headache finally went away some days ago. there was a point where i thought it was gone but then it came back for another 2 days. but it's really gone now. i'm glad.
my eye is still really red but the hemorrhage is going away a little bit. i hope it didn't freak the dentists out. they didn't say anything about it. my dad still hasn't noticed it after all this time. i'm really happy about that.
the dentist visit went surprisingly well. i was extremely nervous about it all day yesterday and this morning. but nearly everything i was anxious about ended up not happening.
i'm looking forward to jerma streaming infomercials later today. they're so funny. i love jerma.
for the past few days i've been doing a lot of brainstorming about poppy and ideas for other characters. i need to work on drawing them. i put together a big collage of old throwaway character designs that i want to try to revamp. i'm thinking about making a toyhouse soon.
i have some poppy doodles i did for twitter mutuals. (speaking of which, one of them drew her for me and i couldn't believe it. it's so cute and i'm so thankful for it. it blows my mind whenever i get gift art. i love it sm!!!)
i forgot her horns and ears :(
this was based on a request to give her chin scratches :)
it's frustrating trying to figure her colors out. i'm leaning toward just making her gray. i'm also considering giving her big bat ears. oh yeah, and i also rediscovered some old sketches from probably january?
it's been fun working on her bio. i'm thinking about making her some silly villain's henchman (she's not evil though). some of my other ideas are pretty sad and edgy and i don't want her life to be one big sob story.
oh yeah, i also just remembered i started playing trickster online a few days ago. it's SO FUN. the only experience i have with MMOs is playing moshi monsters, poptropica, fantage (which i barely touched), maplestory (which i touched even less), wizard101 (which i only played for a day because a friend asked), and some obscure one i can't remember the name of that i discovered through those "naughty" point-and-click puzzle games i was addicted to as a kid for some fucked up reason.
my friends are so sweet and they've been helping me get through the tutorial stuff. it's such a gorgeous game. i wish i knew how to make a game.
(tw: medical stuff/injuries)
mood: at this point i'm gonna jsut start killing (my head still hurts)
listening to: one of my acquaintances, zealothia streaming their art (please go support them!)
this entry won't be long because my body hates me. i might go to bed early idk. the vomiting really fucked me up, i think? my upper chest hurts whenever i deeply inhale, cough, or laugh. plus a blood vessel burst in my eye and now the whole bottom half is extremely bloodshot? it looks scary... i can't be sure if the vomit caused these things but i'm assuming it did?
anyway i've been drawing my oc poppy. i was fucking around on whiteboard fox for no reason. and then i used ms paint for the last one. i'm finally getting her design down.
ok bye hopefully i wont be dead tomrorow (sike i dont wanna wake up lol)
mood: annoyed that i still have a headache :(
listening to: shya - inlove (again)
one of my friends plays tomodachi life and made miis of L and inaba a while back. they're bffs now and it's so cute to watch them goof off together. my friend used a female mii for inaba in the hopes of getting him and urita's mii together. but urita hasn't made a single move so far. so my friend and i started entertaining the idea of L and inaba having kids and what they would look like. friend said they'd probably look weird but i think they'd be adorable! maybe like moonlight boy from berserk, or guwanzesama from pop'n music.
i doodled one right before bed last night.
i wish i could play tomodachi life. or miitopia. i love making miis. i actually made my own versions of L and inaba last year (or early this year? idk).
i should have swapped their noses, lol.
i don't really have anything interesting to talk about. umm.... i guess i could just ramble about some of the things i think about a lot. a month ago or something, mabel asked why i developed an interest in horror because i used to not like it at all. i didn't know how to answer that. i basically just said i liked the aesthetic and i was trying to be less of a coward. that's part of it.
the other, bigger part, i later realized, is that i like stories where people suffer. because it's relatable. i like feeling connected to characters. it can put me in a bad mood to see people being happy and having fun. (a lot of my favorite manga are like that. i have to step away from them for a while because they make me so depressed.)
that's not really the whole truth, though. it really depends on the severity of the suffering. and how good of a person that character is. i don't like things that are just endless misery. i don't like edgy ruthless grimdark stuff. i don't like torture porn one bit. i had a hard time reading fire punch because of this. i took a long break from it and i still haven't returned to it. i do like it, though.
hideshi hino's work is like this. but somehow i'm always drawn to his stories regardless. sometimes they're surprisingly sweet. i want to cry when i think about his caterpillar story. i wish more people knew about him. i'm really glad starfruit books is publishing more of his work.
(tw: suicidal thoughts)
mood: kinda sad
listening to: dr. s. gachet - calling
i've been sick all day. i vomited three times this morning. i'm feeling a little better now. i'm hoping i can keep down the little food i've eaten. it all started with this headache i've had since yesterday evening. the pain was so bad i almost started crying multiple times. i want to just get well already. it sucks being too fatigued to do anything. i wanted to do my laundry today.
when i take medicine, i always chug a crapload of pills without adhering to the proper dosage because i don't really care. i hope it kills me eventually. that might be the cause of today's intense nausea though...
i'm glad my dad didn't get angry when i told him i'm sick. it was almost certainly because i said i was sick even though i still am. i did that on purpose.
mabel suggested i start taking excedrin because i get bad headaches frequently. i'm gonna buy some next time i get groceries.
we didn't end up watching death note last night, but that's okay! we watched hunchback of notre dame and the dark crystal instead. it was super fun just like i knew it would be :3 hehe
mood: neutral
listening to: games - strawberry skies
i keep accidentally typing 11 as the year of the date in these entries instead of 22. i'd give anything for it to be 2011 again.
i just made food. by "made" i mean i heated up another tv dinner in the oven. i'm gonna wait a little while before i eat it.
my head hurts. i was hoping i'd hydrated enough.
last week's discover weekly was drowning in bangers, i'm talking absolute fire back to back to back. but this week... yeesh. i only added one song to my likes. rough. (it's the one i'm listening to.)
i just doodled this fellow. i wanted to try something new.
i'm going to watch the netflix death note with friends tonight. i'm excited. it's gonna be really fun! :) (i know it's shitty, but that's what makes it good)
(tw: discussion of menstruation)
mood: anxious
listening to: my ceiling fan
i finally got my period. it's a pain in the ass to shower while i have it so i'm nervous about having to shower later. at least i know i won't have to deal with it when i go to the dentist. i've had a tab open for combination birth control for over a month or something. i keep putting off doing more research on it, but i've seriously gotta look into it now. i'd jump at the opportunity to stop my period altogether.
i really don't want to go to the dentist. i'm probably gonna have to come up with some excuse for why i still haven't gotten my wisdom teeth out. they gave me the paperwork with a referral to a surgeon the last time i went. which was 6 months ago.
i desperately hope they don't flood my mouth with water this time. last time they used so much water that it spilled all over my face and ran down, soaking my neck, clothes and hair. then i immediately had to take a second shower and wash my hair the second i got home because i was paranoid about the contaminated water in my hair. i was livid. before that, they still used a lot of water, but not enough to soak my hair. in the past, this wasn't an issue at all, but they moved to a new building and they have new staff and it keeps happening. maybe i'm just overreacting. i don't know.
i spent hours on pinterest yesterday. i've mostly been looking at art but i like finding cool outfits on it too. i realized that i get angry when i see nice clothes. it makes me so jealous. i struggle with envy. i should focus more on what i need over what i want...
oh yeah, i didn't draw yesterday even though i told myself i should. i also forgot to go walking like i wanted to. i should do those things today. (i probably won't.)
(tw: discussion of menstruation)
mood: neutral
listening to: donkey kong country ost - life in the mines
just got done adding credits to the stamps i got from deviantart. idk why i didn't think to do that before. i feel bad about it. i also deleted some stamps and gifs that used stolen art, or that i couldn't find the sources of. sigh. it sucks that there's so much stolen work out there.
i'm waiting on my tv dinner alfredo to finish cooking. it'll be done in 3 minutes. i just ate a donut and i'm not really hungry anymore so i guess i'll let it sit on the counter for a while.
i'm dreading my period starting soon. it's annoying having to waste pads while i wait for it to happen. i want it to hurry up and start because i have a dentist appointment in a little over a week and i want my period to be over by then. i really want a hysterectomy. a while back, i calculated that it would be cheaper than going the rest of my life dealing with this every month.
just turned the oven off.
idk what i'm gonna do today. i want to draw my oc poppy, but i don't freakin' know how to draw her the way i see her in my mind. it's irritating. i guess i'll figure it out eventually.
mood: tired
listening to: shya - inlove
all i've been doing for the past few days is working on this site. it feels really weird to get this attached to something that can be so frustrating and confidence-lowering. i'm always so enamored with everyone else's sites. everyone here is so cool. i want my site to be cool like theirs.
i thought i would have given up by now. if i knew i'd become so preoccupied with this, i'd have made an account years ago when i first discovered neocities.
it kind of feels like i'm fulfilling a lifelong dream. when i was in elementary school i desperately wanted something like this. i started making something. i still have a screenshot.
these were my mascots.
i learned html proper in high school and would sometimes get the urge to just make a random site with no plan or direction. just because. because it's fun. even though it's hard.
oh wow. i'm listening to my discover weekly right now and it just started playing a song that's sampling guts' theme from berserk. hahah. that's pretty cool. it's j albert - two heads in a frame looking at something beautiful. i like guts' theme. it makes me feel things.
on another note. i'm feeling conflicted about my inability to talk to people once again. i want to reach out to everyone struggling and help them. but i don't know how. i wish i was better at giving advice. i'm lost and i don't know much about the world. i know it's just an excuse. anyway, that's how i feel.
also, i'm really in love with the gifs on the glitter graphics site. they make me so nostalgic. i almost cried last night looking at them. i really miss the 2000s. i wish i had grown up with more of the anime from back then. and the subcultures and stuff too. if only i had been born a few years earlier i could have had so much fun doing silly stuff on deviantart. i did have a dA but i was sorta too young to really take advantage of everything you could do and all the ways you could socialize. if that makes sense.
i think that was the last time i was ever truly happy with no worries.
(tw: death, discussion of mental illness)
an introduction.
in 2007 an 18-wheeler hit my mom’s car while she, my brother and i were on the highway. she didn’t survive. it’s hard to say whether or not i have trauma because of this. i have a lot of feelings about it. i don’t know if i’m coping or not. but it is what it is.
as far as i know, i’ve never been officially diagnosed with anything. but i can say with near certainty that i’ve struggled with social anxiety and suicidal depression for many years. i’ve been to therapy various times. my memory and concentration have dramatically worsened over time, to the point where i have extreme difficulty reading, watching, and playing most anything. i don’t get much enjoyment out of many things anymore.
a lot of the time, i kinda just shut down when i have to talk to someone. i clam up while my brain takes too long to find something to say. it makes me feel like shit. i get freaked out even if we're not talking in person.
i hate making eye contact and i always look down when i’m in public, to the point where i don’t recognize people because i refuse to get a good look at them. (this was very helpful when i was working as an administrative assistant at a dental office... not.)
sometimes when i get excited my thoughts “blow up” and i get overwhelmed and pace around the house to “cool down”.
i get overly attached to things for no apparent reason, especially now that the covid nightmare is underway.
i possibly have ocd as well, most of it being germ-related, which i also went to therapy for. it began to take hold in late 2018. a lot of the severity has died down, but i still deal with some lingering effects. on a related note, i have intrusive thoughts a lot and they really take a toll on me. i feel like i have to distract myself at all times so i won’t start thinking about horrible things.
i quit my job around april 2021 and have been a shut-in neet ever since. i don’t know where i’m gonna go from here. i wish i could start everything over again.
(this entry isn't necessarily supposed to make sense, it's just me rambling about my weird mental issues.)
